One bright day in the middle of the night
Two dead boys stood up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And he came and killed those two dead boys.

~Haunting in Connecticut

Feeling

When your not able to control your own mind anymore,
thats when you know something is truly wrong.
But what should I do about it?
Should I ignore it?
Should I fight off these thoughts?
Should I run?
Should I end it?
This scares me...
I don't like this feeling at all.
I fear I have permantly lost control of my thoughts and my mind.
Someone please help.

I won't let your words define me.

I can feel every eye in the room watching me as if at any moment I’m going to jump out the nearest window. I must say I’m very tired of everyone’s judgmental words, even if they don’t say it I know their thinking it, you can see it in their faces. Disgust of people that are, as they would say “unstable”. Well I won’t be around much longer so I’ll let them give me shitty looks, I’ll let them say their hurtful words, I’ll let them shoot every kind of anti-depressant drug they have in their overly educated brains, into me. Maybe one day they’ll get the dosage wrong, or accidentally combine a few medicines thinking they’ll do the magic trick to make me as they would say “stable”, when really all their doing is making the already bad enough chemical in balance in my brain, fucking worse. Oh well, if that happens maybe they’ll get charged with man slaughter and spend the next five to ten years in prison. Wouldn’t that be swell, to rub that mistake in their narcissistic faces.


I won’t let a diagnosis define me.

Alright so...

I haven't really been blogging lately about anything and I give you my most sincere apologies. I've just been really busy lately with school, friends, etc. But yes I am going to start blogging again because when i did blog it really helped me vent. And I actually might even start that new video blog thing on YouTube, that's pretty cool. Well anyway just to catch you guys up on everything, I started a new school called Crossroads(Yeah I know, cool name for a school). Anyway I started Crossroads this past Monday. And well I really like it there because believe it or not there's only thirteen children there. Yeah you read correctly only thirteen children. And everyone is really nice including the teachers. The only bad part is, is that I have to wake up at like 5:30 every morning and catch the bus at 6:40 and then get to school at 8:00, so I have an hour and twenty minute bus ride, I can barely keep my head up when I reach 4Th period. But anyway yeah I was just catching everyone up on whats been going on. Well if you want to talk just email me or something. See ya!

I miss...

I miss the past, And I want the future. I don't know where to turn to, I know I cant go back to the past but the past keeps coming to get me. Everything is confusing me. I am in an endless battle with myself.I feel that there is know way out of this cruel and indignant world we know as Earth. I miss the good old days, when you had something to wake up for in the mornings.
I miss hanging out with my dad outside, riding the golf cart with him. I remember making our first chicken Coop together. I remember when he accidentally shot himself in the thumb with a nail shooter. I miss all of that, I miss his face and I miss the peace that I felt when I was with him.
I miss the friendship I had with my sister. She was the best friend I had always dreamed of. We used to take pictures together and hang out at the movies and we would make fun of people on the Internet or people not on the Internet. We had good times together.
Now it seems like the depression and hurt is all starting to get to me. I try to fight it away. But it keeps coming back. Its like I am falling into a pit the has no end, no exit, no way of getting out. I hate this feeling, I will do anything to get me out of this feeling. But its hard to because I have gotten so used to its behavior. Its like its always been there and its not going away.
Then there is you. You were the one that helped me though the hard times. You are the one that I need in my life. I cant live without you. I can barely go a week without seeing you. You have asked me to marry you and I have said yes, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you Indiana you are my everything.
Forever and ever.

You say you love me, then you say you just want to be friends. Your confusing andit makes me not want to be your friend. I love you though with all my heart. I see that you gave samantha another chance. Which was a very bad mistake. She has had enough chances.
I cant live without you. I should just go ahead and kill myself.
But yet I know that my problem is temporary and I am thinking of a perminent solution. So I wont do anything. I wont kill myself I wont hurt myself over you.
I just love you thats all.

I just want to shout

I just want to scream right now.
I dont think anything is fair.
I lose everyone I love and I dont have anyone to rely on.
Someone help me before I just totally end it